Help! I've Been Elfed!

My mom is constantly thinking up ways to embarrass me.

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Christmas Spirit or Humiliation?

You decide.

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Evil Puppy Cam

Apparently, my mom doesn't get enough dog action at home because she found a webcam of Shiba Inu puppies and leaves it running on her computer just to annoy me. She even sat me down in her office chair to get my reaction. Well, see for yourself; I am none too pleased having these fur balls inside my mom's laptop making all kinds of racket.

Photo Shoot Time

Mom turned into a paparazzo this weekend, all because Izzy got a new outfit. My ears always lie flat against my head when the camera comes out. I think that's my most flattering look. Thank goodness I wasn't forced to wear hideous clothes, although I am sporting a fairly new red collar.Here's Izzy front and center as usual. In this case, I'm really glad. I like being the background decoration for her humiliation. BOL!

Unflattering

My well-meaning human mother has returned to dressing me in ghastly garments. She has justified this horrible practice by attributing its necessity to cold weather.
Trying to be brave here, but once the camera appeared, I knew I was in for a long photo shoot. Not my favorite thing, to say the least.I tried to doze off in an effort to ignore the whole debacle.
I know I appear rather ferocious in this photo, but actually I was trying to yawn. Feigning boredom got me nowhere.
Finally, I reared my head, begging her with my eyes to stop. Pitiful looks get me very far in my house. When it was over, she removed the garish pink vest for the rest of the evening.

Oh, My!

I've been accused of having a large tongue, but duuude, he scares me!There's just NO comparison.

Bye, Spenser!

All last week I sensed Spenser failing. Mom's human boy, Greg, came to visit yesterday and cried a river of tears over him. Spenser tried to tell him it would be okay, but only Chance was able to put a paw on his shoulder to convey comfort. Spenser was having trouble breathing and his eyes were bloodshot and tired. It seemed he couldn't focus on anything. It was a sad, sad sight. The Beast, my nemesis, was growing dim. I don't know what the humans did, but they all got in the car and took him away. Mom returned later that night holding his leash and collar. Spenser was no longer with them. Chance and I sniffed, begging to know more, but they only said he had crossed the Rainbow Bridge, and we could not see him until we cross it ourselves one day.

Spenser, I'm sorry I bossed you around so much in life and hope you will forgive this grumpy, ol' fella. I really did love ya, man! You were a beast because of your size, but inside you were a true gentleman.

Check Me Out!

Check it out!

Leo

Yesterday, we had visitors, both canine and human, but what I want to discuss is the canine, Leo. He looks so cute in the picture, doesn't he? Well, let me tell you, he has the loudest bark ever! My poor ears. This is the only time I have regretted their erectness on my head. Any out-of-the-ordinary sound caused Leo to produce a bark so shrill that it no doubt interrupted radio signals for at least a 5 mile radius. I must admit that while he is handsome and sweet, his bark needs some refinement. Sometimes, he even gets my brothers so worked up that they throw their heads back and howl, like they're in a contest. Since this barbaric display is beneath me, my solace is to search for the nearest lap, and pray for peace.

Daddy's Girl

Yes, it's true. I am enamored with my daddy. He's the number one human in my book. Mom never fails to remind me that SHE is the one who rescued me and that daddy didn't even believe I was a dog at first because apparently, I was the size of a hamster when they took me in. Clearly, she's just trying to jockey into the number one position. Sorry mom, I love you, but daddy is just...er...better. I think she's okay with that since bossy Spark Plug is her number one and vice-versa.

Speaking of Sparky, mom brought home two new toys yesterday; one for me and one for Sparky. That devilish scoundrel wanted both toys for himself! After he slobbered on mine, it was hardly palatable after that. I took one whiff of the foul odor he smeared on its soft fur and quickly lost interest. I expressed my displeasure by walking away and pouting. Greedy pig.

To add insult to injury, mom got into one of her photography moods, which would be okay, but she caught me during some of my worst moments, and I suspect it was intentional. I protested publication of these dreadful photos, but she insists, so here they are. Don't judge me.

New toy(s)!

Yesterday I received a brand new toy and I adore it! Mom tried to give Izzy one just like it and she rudely turned her nose up at it and walked away! I would never act in such a despicable manner towards mom. Izzy's rejected toy was given to me because I'm such a devoted, loyal companion.

Here I am having a delightful time. These are the perfect size. I can squeak them all day if I want. If I wear it out, there's a spare squeaker. Thanks, mom!

I really wish mom didn't have to document every detail of my life.

I am really trying to communicate with my expression to give me my space and she just doesn't seem to get it. *sigh*

Mutiny

Last night I was involved in a nasty altercation with Chance, the lesser beast of the pack. I was simply doing my job, ensuring the rules - my rules - were being obeyed. We had recently finished eating dinner with mom; dad had just arrived home, so I knew more crumbs were forthcoming. Chance was getting a little too chummy with dad too quickly which infuriated me. This was a clear attempt to usurp my authority and gain a higher position at my expense.

I warned him with a low, authoritative growl to back away, but the mulish creature ignored me! Insubordination from lower pack members is forbidden in my rulebook; therefore, I was forced to issue a harsher edict with a series of growls and lunges which meant, “Take another step and you’re going to regret it.”

Chance has always accepted his place within the pack, and while he might resist my commands at times, he usually concedes. Instead, he brazenly violated my last order, which gave me no other option but to hurl my entire body into him with full force. This action caused Chance to retaliate in a most violent manner, and before I knew it, he brutishly tossed me onto my back with his mouth, sinking his teeth into my neck. I struggled and fought to free myself from his surprisingly vicious attack. If dad had not been standing there, I may have drawn my last breath, right there by the stove, the appliance I treasure the most.

Once dad forced Chance to let me go, I walked slowly over to mom with the most pathetic look I could muster, a big tuft of Chance’s fur hanging from the corner of my mouth. I begged her with my eyes to defend my honor by flogging him in front of everyone. Instead, I received a very humiliating reprimand. I was informed that I am not the boss of anyone in the house, and furthermore, if I don’t mind my P’s and Q’s, I might not be so lucky next time. Humph! I don’t care what they say, I am chief dog around here!

I spent the entire day at the vet’s office getting the royal treatment. Dad even brought my cushy bed for me to loll around in. I had a very exciting day which helped put the whole ghastly experience behind me.

Chihuahua Party Circuit?

These look like nice canines. Where are these parties I seem to be missing out on?

see more puppies

I'm Missing Out!

Where are these parties? I want to get on the social circuit.

see more puppies

Izzy, Poo

Izzy remains persistent in her efforts to annoy me at bedtime. To make matters worse, she clamors to get on mom's lap when I'm on there! Surprise, surprise. *smirk* I don't know how much more of this brat I can take. Seriously. It's no fun when I have to share mom. *pouts*

Beverly Hills Chihuahua

Now this looks like MY kind of movie! 50 Warrior, 50% Lover, 100% Chihuahua! Love it. BOL!

New Development

Izzy is seriously starting to chap my tail. There are two crucial events each day that I look forward to with great anticipation. One is mealtime and the other is bedtime. It's bad enough that Izzy horns in on my plate licking, completely ignoring my angry growls, but when she begs to get into bed with mom and me at the end of the day, that’s a serious violation of the highest order.

When mom and I started sleeping in the big, tall bed due to daddy's snoring, I was forced to learn to climb a set of rickety steps in order to have bed privileges. It took a while, but I persevered. Mom tried to teach Izzy and gave up in no time at all. She scoops her up and Izzy immediately burrows underneath the covers to nestle into the softest part of mom's body: her midsection. She’s all, "Oh, Izzy's so small. There's no way she can climb those steps." They never make her work for things like I am forced to do.

Since this latest development, I am letting my contempt for the situation be known by pouting waiting under the bed until Izzy leaves to go night-night with daddy. Thankfully, her time with mom is only for a few minutes, which allows me to have the last bark. Once Izzy’s out of the room, I emerge from underneath the bed and jump confidently onto the soft mattress next to mom.

Why must I share my abode with this poopy girl and the other two beasts? I want to be an only dog, dangit!

Finally...

special treats named in my honor.

Sparky & Spenser

I tolerate this behavior from the two of them every single day - sometimes several times a day. *sigh* I hate to be a whistle blower, but Sparky is chief instigator. His disdain for Spenser has become almost legendary. The tiniest infraction from Spenser unleashes a viciousness in Sparky that is unmatched. I never want to be the recipient of his fury. This type of stress is extremely detrimental to my beauty and inner peace.

Dog Speak

Did you know that canines have their own internet slang and abbreviations? As part of your continuing education, I have assembled a short list.

Pawrents
Pawsome
Pawsitive
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
BOL - bark out loud
PITT - pain in the tail
ROTFLMTO - rolling on the floor laughing my tail off
LMTO - laughing my tail off
OTOP - on the other paw
BAYL - bark at you later
YTDNM - you're the dog now, man

Torture

This morning, Daddy took me for a ride in his automobile - a harrowing experience each time I've been subjected to it. I was aghast that he would deliberately torture me this way, fully cognizant of my fear of fast moving contraptions. Soon, however, all was revealed as we pulled up to Dr. Fred's office building. As it turned out, my torment was just beginning.

Sparky clued me in on Dr. Fred a while back as he had two prior run-ins with this brutish character. I was warned that the humans think highly of him, but I should be on guard because he has a nefarious propensity directed specifically at canines - poking, prodding, and causing distress for no good reason whatsoever. He also has a team of minions that carry out his despicable requests.

Daddy swaddled me in my softest blanket so I'd feel secure, but I still shook with fear, dreading what was in store.

It was worse than I thought. My lovely nails were rudely clipped, a sharp point was inserted into my delicate arm, and my teeth were scraped with a cold, silver object. That was the last straw. Dr. Fred’s co-conspirators got an earful when that metal object was pressed against my pearly whites. My air of refinement vanished as I squabbled and yelped, reduced to the ilk of a junkyard dog. Why, oh why are my mettle and civility repeatedly put to the test? I would appreciate just a modicum of respect in view of my culture and petite frame. Just as Sparky predicted, Daddy paid no mind to these uncivilized ruffians.

Apparently, it's good news that my open fontanel has almost completely closed and my blood work returned normal. Oh, and I am free of heartworms. Good gracious, the thought of having worms anywhere on or in me is completely and utterly repulsive. Thank goodness I was spared THAT humiliation.

At the end of the visit, Daddy asked Dr. Fred why my tongue always hangs outside my mouth. He said, "She doesn't like Obama." They both doubled over with laughter. Once Dr. Fred recovered from his own joke, he explained that I have a short mandible, causing the anomaly. Whew! I thought I had an abnormally large tongue. Abbreviated mandible sounds much more tasteful than a mammoth tongue.

Never Trust a Cat

My First Party

Strange sounds pierced my earsSee my shocked expressionSparky was on the lookout for intruders, ready to defend my honorSoon, however, he became weary from all the excitement and too much kibbleWhen they started throwing this object, I was afraid I might be nextA horrible winged creature even terrorized me for part of the eveningI felt safe with this strong bloke, spending as much time on his lap as he would allowI was dying for a piece of cake, but I wasn't even allowed a tiny crumb

Par-TAY

Saturday afternoon mom suddenly asks, "Sparky, you wanna go party?"

I thought she said potty, but she opened the garage door instead of the patio door, and at that moment I realized she meant "PAR-TAY!" I dashed out to the garage and sat beside the car door to make sure she knew that my answer was "YES!"

Dad packed the car with food, drinks, and other assorted items. We drove a long way to a house where all my favorite humans were gathered. They were eating, drinking, and playing loud music. They also played frisbee outside until a good natured, but uncouth pit bull, took a big steaming crap right in the middle of the yard WHILE THEY WERE PLAYING! It was so stinky mom ran away gagging. There was no more frisbee playing after that.

I'm afraid my partying days are behind me. Mom snapped this picture of me several hours later:

Sunshine and Roses

I'm normally a very good girl, but I must admit, there are days when minor flaws are exposed. While I would like to perpetuate the notion that I'm always as genteel as my middle name implies, it just isn't so. I'm nothing if not honest.

One of my shortcomings has been captured on video for your entertainment. I suspect there are others like me who are not all sunshine and roses when they are rudely awakened with a video camera shoved in their face. Given this set of circumstances, I think a growl or two is quite understandable. In fact, my reaction is mild compared to some of those Hollywood brats. I am generally mindful of my manners, but even a well-bred girl such as myself has her limits.

Fashion Faux Pas

When I was a baby, mom tried to dress me up in dreadful girly clothes. Clearly, she has no taste.

Take a look at this ill-fitting garment I was forced to wear at age 4 months. I mean, really. The colors are garish and the stripes make me look fat. Anyway, who wears a collar with a tank top? I use this picture as a "what not to wear" sort of warning to hopefully spare other canines the same embarrassment.

Thank goodness she came to her senses and I am no longer forced to wear those unflattering frocks. I prefer understated fashion, such as my latest look which consists of a patent leather pink color with my name spelled out in diamonds. IZZY looks so sophisticated spelled out on my neck. Tres chic, eh?

Desertion

I can hardly wait for my humans to be home on the weekends in order to give me their undivided attention. Most weekends, it works out splendidly. This past Friday, however, things started off a little shaky. First, the humans took out the big zippered bags from the top closet shelf. Immediately, Chance began to whine. Really, he sobbed like a baby. This got all the rest of us in a tizzy.

We had good reason to worry, too. The humans threw their clothes in those big bags and left with them early the next morning. They were gone before we even had a chance to say "woof". Dad put Izzy in the crate with food and the rest of us were left to fend for ourselves.

Later, mom’s younger human boy came over and spent the night. He was cool because he brought Leo over. We played and played.

Even though I was having fun, I kept wondering where our parents were and when they planned to return. I worried they may not make it back, so I had some posters made. The reward was going to be several liver treats - pretty tempting, huh?

Finally, late yesterday afternoon, they arrived home, tired and smelling of tamales. I was so overjoyed, I didn't even care that they didn't bring me a doggie bag. I was stuck to mom like glue for the rest of the night.

I've decided that the next time they get those bags down from the closet shelf, I'm going to jump in there and hide under the clothes when they're not looking.

Izzy the Pig

Sunday morning Daddy put food in our bowls as usual. Izzy went straight for our my bowl without a second glance to see if I might want to go first. She turned into a ravenous little pig, right before my eyes, gobbling up the morsels before I even had a chance to react. I stood behind her waiting patiently for my turn and also to let her know that - hello! - others are hungry, too. She responded by growling, showing her teeth, and glaring at me. The nerve! I thought mom might come to my rescue, but she only laughed, muttering something about how I've met my match. Whatever! Needless to say, my feelings were hurt, so I went and stood close to mom hoping for some comfort, or at least a few tidbits of human food. All I received were a couple of obligatory pats on the head. Hmph! When did I lose control?

Sparky No Longer Rules

Sunday morning I found myself inexplicably famished, so when daddy put food in my our bowl, I made a bee line for it. Really, I was so ravenous, I was in danger of collapse.

Sparky, in his controlling way, felt it was his duty to supervise every morsel I put into my mouth by standing directly behind me. Well, I was very put out with this scenario. I'm afraid I was forced to exhibit another side of my personality which may very well damage my sweet reputation. His presence was rather intimidating to say the least, so I growled softly in between bites to voice my displeasure. Sparky was undeterred by this warning, however, so I turned around, glared at him, and growled louder, showing my teeth this time. Daddy also observed that my fur was standing on end. It took three stern warnings before he finally got the message.

Realizing that I meant business, Sparky sulked over to mom with his ears down and a wounded look on his face. Further humiliation ensued by mom laughing at him. She said, "Sparky, you finally met your match!" BOL!

I didn't mean to cause my chi brother embarrassement, but he forced my hand. After all, it was boorish behavior on Sparky's part, so I can hardly be held responsible for my actions.

Do I get credit for leaving him some crumbs?

Porn Dogs

Hubba hubba! Look at these sexy girls.